Would it hurt to say,
Ron is way hotter,
and I like it that way?
I know you think you're all that,
but I'm here to sort you all out,
just like that beaten battered tattered old hat.
You can fly a broomstick,
catch that golden snitch,
and no doubt fighting that basilisk,
was a big 'ole b***h.
The chamber was open, it was no secret,
you're lucky you had Fawkes,
because that snake was gigantic.
You got that famous Gryffindor sword,
and beat that bludger like Fred and George.
You should've listened to that Hermione Granger,
and not faced that ridiculous taunting danger.
You hate that pure-blooded Draco,
but you see how he couldn't kill?
That big oh' fake-o.
Everyone teases you for that lightning scar,
but you'll be an Auror fighting the Dark Arts.
And really, what's that Snape's problem?
You look for the ingredients and try for a solvent.
You tried to get with Cho Chang chung,
and thought you'd succeed because you're the Chosen One.
Guess you don't got the charm,
since there's no dark mark on your arm.
Your Godfather is cool with a name like Snuffles,
Could you stop the cart and buy some chocolate truffles?
Did you find that frog that belonged to Neville Longbottom?
Or does he need a Rembembrall because he forgot him?
Oh man, and that Cedric Diggory,
too bad he died from You-Know-Who's trickery.
I wish I lived at Hogwarts,
and did spells and magic of all sorts.
But I'm not and I'm a little bit sore,
maybe I'll write a letter to that Dumbledore.
But If I was there, we'd be best friends,
and fight the Death Eaters till the very end.
We'd go to Hogsmead to get a butterbeer,
and visit that special room of Requirement mirror.
We'd use that invisibility cloak as a habit,
and go on school grounds to visit Hagrid's cabin.
And who knows? Maybe we'd save Buckbeak.
And play tricks on Luna Lovegood, that freak.
You could teach me Parseltongue,
doesn't that sound like good o'wizarding fun?
We could eat gillyweed,
and swim to the bottom of the lake,
and fight the mermaids who took Ginny,
because it's your girlfriend who's at stake.
We would eat at the year-end feast,
and cheer at our easy house cup victory.
We would use the network of floo,
and it's okay, I'd mess up 'Diagon Alley' too.
We'd use the Map of Marauder's,
to find and stop the intruders.
We'll tell Trelawney Divination isn't comprehensive,
and we'll sneak into Dumbledore's office to use that cool pensieve.
We'll eat Chocolate Frogs and collect and trade the cards,
but I'd give you Minister Fudge, because I have 5 of him so far.
With no doubt, I'd get on the quidditch team,
and proudly shout, "Weasley is our King!"
We'd question and become curious,
and wish Kreacher wasn't so subservient.
We'd find a way to retort,
and kill that mother pale-faced Voldemort.
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